Mourning My Brother and an Unjust War

by April Somdahl, The Huffington Post

On February 20, 2007 , my brother, Sgt. Brian Rand, shot himself on the banks of the Cumberland River near Fort Campbell, Kentucky. He was 26 years old, just back from Iraq, and about to become a father.

Last Memorial day my family and I mourned my brother, quietly and alone.

This will be the second Memorial Day since Brian's death. I have a Memorial Tattoo event planned at my business, Alien Art Studio located outside Camp LeJeune Marine Corps base main gate, in North Carolina. I will be spending the day with Iraq war veterans, active duty soldiers, Iraq Veterans Against War members, and military families, honoring the memory of those killed in this war -- both the 4,080 killed in combat and the many more, as yet uncounted, who died because they couldn't live with the horrors they had witnessed.

We need this event to join together and to heal together. At this event I will be presenting the rose that I plucked from my brother's grave site one year, three months, and six days earlier, to the Iraq Veterans Against War Washington D.C. chapter. You'd never know it by looking at the rose now, but it used to be colorful and full of life.

Brian was one of more than a hundred active duty soldiers to commit suicide last year. The Veterans Administration now admits that 1,000 veterans are attempting suicide every month. The Army is trying to blame these deaths on personal problems and failed relationships. Earlier this year, their top suicide expert, Col. Elspeth Ritchie, even put some of the blame on military families, telling a reporter that "Families are getting tired. Therefore, sometimes they're more irritable, sometimes they don't take care of each other the way they should, are not as nurturing as they should be."

But the families who Col. Ritchie wants to blame for the rising suicide rate are the very families that built our soldiers strong. It was the families that took great pride in their boys and girls for the entirety of the soldiers' lives. These people were strong, loving, American families long before they even became a soldier. It was the war experience that broke them down. Our sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters wouldn't have killed themselves without the sadness and trauma stemming from this unjust war.

During his first deployment to Iraq , Brian started having recurring dreams about an Iraqi man he killed. He told me "I saw him standing over me when I was in bed. He's mad at me. He looks like an angry shadow. I think he's been following me around." I talked my brother to sleep every night for the rest of that deployment.

Speaking in a very quiet voice, careful not to make any sudden noises, I would tell him "The grass is still green over here. The sky is still blue. Just close your eyes and picture the lawn that we laid on staring up at that sky. And it's still there. When you get back, when your job is done, when you do everything that they ask you to do, come back to me and we'll lay on the grass and we'll stare at the sky and we don't have to talk about anything. Just simply exist." I gave Brian my love often by giving him my undivided attention and reassuring him that the family and I are so proud. I couldn't wait until we could lay on the grass together.

But we never got to do that. By the time Brian got home from Iraq, he was being haunted night and day. His moods began to swing from one extreme, to the other without warning. He went to an Army psychologist for an examination in which he showed all the worst symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But instead of giving him treatment, the Army ordered him back to Iraq three days after the exam. Brian called his family the night before being sent back to Iraq. He sounded subdued, like he was in a cold, robotic calm. He said that he had no choice. I begged Brian pathetically to bring the psychological exam papers to the commander of his unit. He informed me, "That is not an option."

In Iraq, Brian's PTSD kept getting worse. Lost in a delusion, he stabbed one of his fellow soldiers and got sent back to Fort Campbell. But he still never got the help he needed. There are a lot of 'should haves' and 'could haves' on the Army's behalf that could have prevented my brother's death. The Army should have concentrated on healing him. They broke him, they fix him. The Army could have placed him in a safe place with safe people to understand him while he was in his darkest times. The Army should have invested a little time and money into research on how they could prepare for the distressed men and women that are coming home after witnessing the horrors of war, long before they were sent to the war. The Army should have the most updated psychological approaches and treatments to offer our loved ones, our troops.

Our troops have been pushed to their limit. There are thousands of Americans like me who are living in agony over the self murder of a dear loved one. For me, it was my brother that broke my heart, for others it was a son that was lost. Still others, a daughter, a husband, a daddy, a mommy... lost to the senseless occupation in Iraq. Our troops are suffering. Their families are grieving. Their friends are feeling helpless.

The Army continues to deny soldiers like my brother the help they need. Too many are being sent back to Iraq while they are still struggling with PTSD. I don't think the military knows how to heal these invisible wounds to the hearts, minds, and spirits the troops that they send out to Iraq, repeatedly.

The Iraq war is not going to be won by throwing our blood and money at it. Our soldiers don't want to watch their friends die anymore. The funny thing about American families is that we don't want to lose a single member. That is just not all right with us. Losing my younger brother was not worth whatever the current administration is selling.

The only effective way to address the epidemic of military suicides is to stop the trauma that makes our strong and loving troops want to take their own lives: Prevent the scars, prevent the external mutilations, prevent the internal spiraling depressions by bringing our troops home, now.

April Somdahl has been an active member of Military Families Speak Out since June 2007, inspired by her beloved brother's suicide.